Guitar Jokes

A classical guitarist won 10 million dollars in the lottery last week. When a reporter asked, “What are you going to do now?” He replied with determination…

“I will keep giving concerts until the money runs out.”


What do you call a guy who likes to hang out with musicians?

A guitarist.

How do you make a guitarist’s car more aerodynamic?

You remove the pizza sign off the top off it.

(from Al Maggedon)


How many lutenists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They won’t touch anything electric.


How do you know when there is a guitarist at the door?

He doesn’t know when to come in.


A classical guitarist dreams of becoming a great musician and he decides to go to the music school and become a serious musician. But first he has to pass a little test in musical theory. The teacher asks him
“What is the subdominant of “F”?”  The guitarist doesn’t come up with an answer, so the teacher says…
“Could it be, you don’t know what a subdominant is??”
“Of course I know that!”, he says
“So what’s the problem?”
“I always thought, that “F” IS the subdominant!”


A one time musician reaches adulthood…it does happen…gives up the rock and roll life style and marries.  He gets the mortgage and the kid. The child reaches his teenage years and hearing of Dad’s youthful adventures decides that he too would like to become a musician.

Dad says, “Okay, but you must do this properly and take lessons on the instrument. What do you want to play?”

Junior replies, “I want to be a bass player.”

“Fine,” says the proud Dad and he goes out and buys a Junior a bass and amp and arranges for the lessons. Junior returns from his first lesson and Dad asks how it went. “Great!” says the lad,”I learned all the notes on the E string.” “Terrific!”, Dad replies.

The next week Junior returns from the 2nd lesson. Dad asks again how it went. “Cool”, says Junior, “I learned all the notes on the A string.” “Good progress,” smile Dad.

The next week Dad comes home to find Junior sitting with his Nintendo. “Hey, I thought you had a bass lesson today. ” Junior looks up and says, “Yeah, but I blew it off, I’ve got a gig.”



A young boy and his mother are walking down the street and the boy turns to his mother and says “Mom, when I grow up I want to be a musician!”
his mother replies “Now now son you cant do both”!


the difference between a musician and a pizza ?

A pizza can feed a family of four.


How do you get an musician off your front step ?

Pay for the pizza.


How do you get a classical guitarist to play pianissimo?

Give him some music to read.


What do you call a diminished chord played with an augmented chord?

A demented chord


Jim dies and goes to heaven. St Peter greets him and asks ‘ how did things go for you back on earth?’ Jim replies, ‘It was O.K..   I had a wife, some kids, two dogs and a house with a white picket fence’  ‘Great’, says St Peter, ‘what was it you did while you were alive?’ ‘ Oh I was in Real estate.’ ‘Good, come on in’ he says.

Stephen follows Jim up to heaven and gets the same questions. ‘I had a great time! Lots of parties, time at the beach and a beautiful family’.   Good, come on in.

Gilbert was next in line and gets the questions from St. Peter. ‘Well, after my third marriage I had to sell most of my things to get by and I took a part time job at a burger joint. Life wasn’t as great as I thought it would be in the beginning’. ‘That’s a shame’, says St Peter. ‘So tell me, what type of guitar do you play?’


What do you call a “Perfect Pitch”?

Throwing a lute into a dumpster without hitting the sides


If you were lost in the woods, who would you ask for directions?
1. The Easter Bunny,
2. An in tune classical guitarist
3. An out of tune classical guitarist

3. Answers 1 and 2 mean that you’re hallucinating.


How many classical guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?

Ten.

One to change the bulb and nine to tell you how they would have done it better.


The definition of a gentleman

Someone who knows how to play serial music, but doesn’t


The definition of an optimist:

A classical guitarist with a pager


How do you get a guitarist to play more quietly ?

Give him a sheet of music.

You may also like...

Comments

6 Responses

  1. AL Mageddon says:

    What do you say to a guitarist in a three piece suit?
    Will the defendant please rise.

  2. eddy says:

    A classical guitarist won 7 thousand dollars in the lottery last week. When a reporter asked, “What are you going to do now?” He replied with determination…

    “Pay off my guitar loan”

  3. Josh says:

    A guitarist goes to a luthier seeking a good instrument.
    He tries a few and then finds an incredible guitar, that suits his taste best. He falls in love with the sound of that guitar and asks: “what kind of bracing does this guitar have”.
    Luthier: “lattice”.
    Guitarist: “oh sorry, I only play fan-braced. Lattice sound so nasal, so plastic”

  4. Josh says:

    A guitarist goes to a luthier seeking a good instrument.
    He tries a few and then finds an incredible guitar, with wonderful projection. He falls in love with it and asks: “what kind of bracing does this guitar have”.
    Luthier: “traditional fan-bracing”.
    Guitarist: “oh sorry, I’m looking for lattice or double-tops. Fan-braced just don’t have enough volume.”

  5. Josh says:

    Another guitarist goes to the same luthier seeking a good instrument.
    He tries a few and then finds an incredible guitar, with wonderful projection, tone… He falls in love with it and asks: “what kind of bracing does this guitar have: lattice, fan, or is it double-top?”.
    Luthier: “neither nor. This is a completely new design with a very different unique bracing: semi-inverted fan with partial lattice”.
    Guitarist: “oh sorry. I’ve never heard of it and know of no guitarist that plays that. I’m looking for something that is more well-known. I don’t think the audience would like something else.”

  6. John says:

    Typical guitarists at luthier’s expositions and fairs:

    At a loud, reverberating hall of luthiers and vendors (at a guitar festival) the guitarist tries various guitars. He still wants to get people to notice him. He starts playing an aggressive loud flashy piece of music, making weird body-movements as if ecstatically a genius in the music, in the moment.

    Of course at the same time there are other guitarists close by doing do same. So it becomes a contest to show them who’s the king of them all.

    He starts pumping out a Piazzolla that is all distorted. The other guy starts with the Finale of Ginastera’s Sonata. Another guy hammers out Asturias. Now there’s another one Another one starts beating the shit out of the guitar: what the fuck -> is that Rocktypicovin or is it Kampela’s Percussion study??? Now another guy starts doing loud flamenco strumming.

    Can you imagine the accumulated noise???!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Loading Facebook Comments ...